Interview with the Real Captain Ahab
WIPN REPORTER (name withheld for protection)EXCLUSIVE
Report Released June 11, 2005
Date of interview is held in strictest confidence, as are the locations
The following is an interview WIPN ran with Captain Raphael Ahab, the Director and Chief Of Operations of the World Internet Police Agency, location of Headquarters unpublished and Top Secret.
The following is an interview WIPN ran with Captain Raphael Ahab, the Director and Chief Of Operations of the World Internet Police Agency, location of Headquarters unpublished and Top Secret.
This reporter confesses this is the probably the strangest interview I have ever given with the most frightening information. I do also confess I agree this is probably the only way we will get a handle on International and Internet fraud schemes directed to the west.
WIPN: Captain Ahab, there are reports of you working with several nations of the world and targeting Internet crime in a very unusual way.
Captain Ahab: Yes, that’s correct.
WIPN: Can you be more specific about the nature of your investigations and success rates? How long have you been doing this and why have the news media not covered the hundreds of arrests of Internet fraudsters?
Captain Ahab: Well, there is much I cannot tell because of security measures but, our operation has been at work for ten years now and we have kept in the shadows and blended into the actual network of Internet mob groups. Some of our agents are actual Nigerian mafia bosses. This is not an easy feat to accomplish and also why we decided to have a ten year plan and take our time.
WIPN: Blended in. What do you mean by blended in? Can you explain?
Captain Ahab: Well, we have undercover agents in every cell of every nation that preys upon honest working business men and women. There is no one city on earth now where we do not have full communication and know who is committing an Internet crime. At least we claim 80% accuracy.
WIPN: How do you know who commits these crimes? Law Enforcement has been confused for years over this problem.
CAPTAIN AHAB: Very Simple really, we have dedicated billions of dollars into research and development of Satellite technology, laser imagery, and my own invention I call DNA TRANSFERRAL.
WIPN: Please explain DNA TRANSFERRAL.
CAPTAIN AHAB: Well, DNA is the building blocks of all life as you know. Over the past ten years we have planted a number of living bio-cells into certain electronic products that are easily gotten by fraudsters and con men. Products like CELL PHONES, COMPUTERS, DIGITAL CAMERAS..You know things like these.
WIPN: Are you saying you have planted living cells into these criminals through the black market products? Unbelievable! Why?
CAPTAIN AHAB: Well, because the problem is crippling our Global economy, we had to come up with a terrible weapon to counter this terrible crime. And not only through products we have inoculated thousands through normal looking money in pay-offs. We now have 80% of suspects who traffic in cell phones and other electronic appliances infected. This Transferal is harmless unless we activate it. Our agents have nicknamed the virus “ZOMBIE CURSE” because when we activate the cells the suspect has only 48 hours to turn himself in and confess al crimes that we already know he is guilty of . If he does not come completely clean and is frauding the law then he will die a slow and painful death over time. We can activate Zombie Curse through our satellite system or manually using lazer pens and our designer codes.
WIPN: Sounds scary, if you ask me. Can this Zombie Curse be activated accidentally? Also, what do you mean by activate?
CAPTAIN AHAB: Well, you see, by means of our new satellite stations placed just this past March we can tune in to any individual’s specific DNA TRANSFER CODE and that individual will begin to become ill: sweating, nervous twitches, itching. You know these types of symptoms. If the criminal has been in contact with any of the planted products or even our planted counterfeit checks, money orders and letters they will become our victim instead of victimizing honest citizens. When the culprit begins to see blood in his teeth then he only has ten hours to be deactivated.
And yes, the Zombie can activate itself because it is a bit unstable but we can neutralize the code when a suspect turns himself in. This is why it is very important anyone especially Nigerians who have been involved in any type internet fraud schemes turn themselves into Interpol for the code. If Interpol does not believe they are serious then they will just ignore the plea and act as if the suspect is insane and they know nothing of this technology. It is a sad time I think. Especiall now in Nigeria we will only accept the ALUMINUM FOIL TRUSE PROCEDURE . We will not acknowledge anything else except complete stop of criminal activites. The police and other law enforcement have agreed to not admit we are doing this operation. The local law agency is already over whelmed and so we must act as we must. I will explain about the ALUMINUM FOIL TRUSE PROCEDURE in a bit.
WIPN: How is the Law Enforcement Agencies of the world accepting this? Are they working with you in cooperation?
CAPTAIN AHAB: Of course they were hesitant at first because of the instability of the DNA TRANSFER but even though many suspects died from the live cells growing inside of them... you know...their very blood was squirming with our bio transfer growth cells BTGC for short. The law enforcement agencies finally called us in because of the rampant frauds and crimes on the Internet. Especially in Nigeria.
WIPN: Why Nigeria?
CAPTAIN AHAB: Well, Nigeria is known for having the most concentrated Internet criminals of any country on the face of the earth. Something had to be done. Something drastic.
WIPN: Yes, but isn’t this a bit too drastic? This could mean the lives of countless thousands of suspects. It can run out of control.
CAPTAIN AHAB: Negative! We finally have control! Internet fraud is costing BILLIONS and will take down the known world if not halted now. We have the technology and we know the targets. No one has to die or even get sick. All they have to do is stop committing these crimes and work together with the local authorities to clean up their country and we will go to another country with our operation. There are many requests for our services but for now we will stay in Nigeria and hope for the best.
We have worked out a silent code for all our target nations...we call it the ALUMINUM FOIL TRUSE PROCEDURE. If a suspect who knows he has been apart of any Internet Fraud Scheme wishes to signal us that he is stopping this activity and is going to live right he must wear a 4 inch square of aluminum foil around his neck. This is our sign of good faith and we will monitor the activity of this individual for as long as he wears the square. When we are confident he is clean from fraud and is seeking honest work we will de-activate the ZOMBIE CURSE and he is free to live his life as an honest citizen. We will never reactivate the curse as long as he remains clean.
WIPN: Thank you Captain for your time and this most unusual interview this reporter has ever been a part of. I am just glad I am not an Internet criminal.
CAPTAIN AHAB: We know you are no criminal. We checked you out this morning.
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